{"id":14930,"date":"2022-08-24T11:47:06","date_gmt":"2022-08-24T15:47:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cmcffc.org\/?p=14930"},"modified":"2022-12-20T16:08:33","modified_gmt":"2022-12-20T21:08:33","slug":"thoughts-from-heather-ross","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cmcffc.org\/article\/thoughts-from-heather-ross","title":{"rendered":"One Size Does Not Fit All: Thoughts from Heather Ross"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t<div data-elementor-type=\"wp-post\" data-elementor-id=\"14930\" class=\"elementor elementor-14930\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<section class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-70f9a888 elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default\" data-id=\"70f9a888\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-8a21bda\" data-id=\"8a21bda\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-7fd77985 elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"7fd77985\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t<style>\/*! elementor - v3.14.0 - 26-06-2023 *\/\n.elementor-widget-text-editor.elementor-drop-cap-view-stacked .elementor-drop-cap{background-color:#69727d;color:#fff}.elementor-widget-text-editor.elementor-drop-cap-view-framed .elementor-drop-cap{color:#69727d;border:3px solid;background-color:transparent}.elementor-widget-text-editor:not(.elementor-drop-cap-view-default) .elementor-drop-cap{margin-top:8px}.elementor-widget-text-editor:not(.elementor-drop-cap-view-default) .elementor-drop-cap-letter{width:1em;height:1em}.elementor-widget-text-editor .elementor-drop-cap{float:left;text-align:center;line-height:1;font-size:50px}.elementor-widget-text-editor .elementor-drop-cap-letter{display:inline-block}<\/style>\t\t\t\t<p style=\"text-align: left;\">Heather Ross, host of the <em>Living with Addiction<\/em> podcast, recently shared her thoughts about our new video: <em>One Size Does Not Fit All<\/em>.<\/p><p><span style=\"font-family: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-font-family ), Sans-serif; font-size: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-font-size ); font-weight: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-font-weight ); letter-spacing: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-letter-spacing ); word-spacing: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-word-spacing ); text-align: var(--text-align); color: var( --e-global-color-e5bb67b );\">The video aims to demonstrate the harms\u2014and even the absurdity\u2014of forcing every person who struggles with substances to seek help in the exact same way. <\/span><\/p><p>Comparing a concerned parent\u2019s conversation with a treatment center to another parent\u2019s (much lower-stakes) conversation with a customer service rep, we hoped to demonstrate first through humor, and then through grounded emotion, how vital it is to listen to the unique feelings, struggles, and needs of every person who is considering seeking help for substance use.<\/p><p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/BYCp7Pj8wxE\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\" data-dashlane-frameid=\"6104\"><\/iframe><\/p><p><span style=\"font-family: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-font-family ), Sans-serif; font-size: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-font-size ); font-weight: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-font-weight ); letter-spacing: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-letter-spacing ); word-spacing: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-word-spacing ); text-align: var(--text-align); color: var( --e-global-color-e5bb67b );\">Our small team worked hard to make the video reflect the reality that many people and their families face when they try to seek help that makes sense for <\/span><em style=\"font-family: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-font-family ), Sans-serif; font-size: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-font-size ); font-weight: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-font-weight ); letter-spacing: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-letter-spacing ); word-spacing: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-word-spacing ); text-align: var(--text-align); color: var( --e-global-color-e5bb67b );\">them<\/em><span style=\"font-family: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-font-family ), Sans-serif; font-size: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-font-size ); font-weight: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-font-weight ); letter-spacing: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-letter-spacing ); word-spacing: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-word-spacing ); text-align: var(--text-align); color: var( --e-global-color-e5bb67b );\">. Because unfortunately, people are frequently shamed for expressing their concerns, fears, or unique needs, told that they are \u201cin denial\u201d or making excuses just because <\/span><em style=\"font-family: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-font-family ), Sans-serif; font-size: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-font-size ); font-weight: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-font-weight ); letter-spacing: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-letter-spacing ); word-spacing: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-word-spacing ); text-align: var(--text-align); color: var( --e-global-color-e5bb67b );\">they want treatment that makes them feel safe<\/em><span style=\"font-family: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-font-family ), Sans-serif; font-size: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-font-size ); font-weight: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-font-weight ); letter-spacing: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-letter-spacing ); word-spacing: var( --e-global-typography-a2d481e-word-spacing ); text-align: var(--text-align); color: var( --e-global-color-e5bb67b );\">. We need to realize that it is possible to support different paths to recovery\u2014as many ways out of substance use as there are ways in. Patience, compassion, and understanding can save lives.<\/span><\/p><p>There is nothing we can say about the impact of this video, and this idea, that will match the thoughtful and touching remarks that Heather made about her own experience with her daughter, using the <em>One Size Does Not Fit All<\/em> video as a jumping-off point.<\/p><p>Heather, thank you for your analysis of our video, and for sharing your experience.<\/p><p>Readers, we strongly encourage you to watch Heather\u2019s video and hear her thoughts, or to read the transcript below.<\/p><p style=\"text-align: center;\">+++<\/p><p><b>Heather:<\/b> That video just sits so heavy with me. It\u2019s almost hard for me to watch. The first time I watched it, I was really brokenhearted\u2014because I could see so much of my experience in it. And my experience of how I felt as a parent, versus\u2014I can\u2019t even imagine what that experience was like for my daughter\u2026during the time when I couldn\u2019t hear her, I wasn\u2019t able to validate her experience, and a lot of the people that we worked with were not\u2019 able to validate her experience either. And a lot of the people we worked with who I was looking at as the experts to help us, they just didn\u2019t help us.<\/p><p>I found this excel spread I made the other day\u2026and it was just a really high level list of all the people we went to, to look for help. And there was doctors and counselors and psychiatrists and psychologists on that list, and I couldn&#8217;t believe how many of them, after just a couple of visits, said that they just wouldn&#8217;t help us anymore, that we weren\u2019t making progress fast enough. \u201cWe\u201d meaning \u201cshe\u201d\u2014I felt like I was really in it with her at that point.<\/p><p>She wasn\u2019t making progress fast enough, or she wasn\u2019t fully sober. Or I remember one psychologist that she went to for quite awhile, twice a week, she just turned on a dime one day and said, \u201cI&#8217;m not gonna see you guys anymore, and I don&#8217;t think I can help you.\u201d And I just remember how overwhelmed I felt in that moment. But I can\u2019t even imagine how overwhelmed my daughter felt, or how she felt like the one person that was helping her and had really seemed like she was on her side\u2014Helanna was able to make some progress with her, she just wasn\u2019t making the progress that was needed.<\/p><p>And at the time, I really wasn&#8217;t working on myself yet, to the degree that I would end up working on myself later. And so we just didn\u2019t have the whole family dynamic that we needed for healing. And when I think back about that experience, all of those experiences where all of these people that we went to for help basically turned us away because we couldn\u2019t do things exactly the way that they wanted us to, or their one size fits all approach, it\u2019s really hard for me not to think about what things would be like today. Or how they would have been different\u2014all of those years of pain, just how things would have been different if I had found <em>one person<\/em> who had recommended something like CRAFT. Or one place. If I had found a way to understand addiction sooner.<\/p><p>I mean there\u2019s just so much\u2014I\u2019m sure if you\u2019ve Googled it, and spent as much time as I did on the Internet, that you\u2019d find as much stuff that really isn\u2019t science-based, that\u2019s a lot of opinion-based, damaging, old school\u2014that, \u201cif they really want it, they\u2019ll do it\u201d approach.<\/p><p>I wrote a couple of things down from the shoe example, and I love the way they made this video, and made the comparison of shoe sales. I mean it\u2019s shoes, and we would not put up with that crap if it was shoes, and someone was treating us that way. But every day, we put up with that when it comes to our kids. And I don\u2019t say that to be mean, or blame, because I did it, too. But I think that we have to keep having this conversation. We have to talk about this, we have to see how wrong it is, and that just because we\u2019ve been doing it for a long time doesn\u2019t mean that it\u2019s acceptable.<\/p><p>So one of the things that they said in the video when it came to the shoes not fitting was, \u201cIf he wanted it, he\u2019d make it work.\u201d \u201cHe\u2019s unable to commit to making it work, I can\u2019t help that.\u201d He has to accept help \u201ctheir way,\u201d and the Mom needs to stop \u201ccutting him some slack.\u201d I mean, I just can\u2019t even imagine. And in the second part of the video, where it was the scared parent talking to a treatment center\u2014the \u201caddicts come up with excuses\u201d because they want treatment for PTSD. And that\u2019s being called a case of \u201cterminal uniqueness.\u201d And I heard that term a lot in AA meetings. The treatment center calling themselves, \u201cwe&#8217;re the experts,\u201d calling the parents \u201cover-involved and codependent\u201d as if parents don\u2019t want to help their kids, and as if parents wouldn\u2019t be desperate if it was <em>their<\/em> kids.<\/p><p>I\u2019m sick of parents being shamed for wanting to help their kids, and being called codependent and enablers. Both of those words are so shaming and condemning, and they make people feel like they can\u2019t even love their kids, like nothing that they do is okay, and it just compounds the fear so much\u2014that they\u2019re just paralyzed with fear. And I\u2019ve been there myself. And I think it\u2019s time that we stop using those words and we stop condemning ourselves on top of it, and give ourselves some grace for how hard the situation is.<\/p><p>Of course, there is always, you know, the \u201cyour child could die.\u201d As if we didn&#8217;t know that already, right? As if we didn\u2019t think about it all the time, as if we hadn\u2019t even thought about that. I just remember all the times one of the rehabs Helanna was in, when she would be trying to leave and they would be trying to talk her into staying, and that would be the whole thing\u2014\u201cyou\u2019re gonna die, you\u2019re gonna die, you\u2019re gonna die.\u201d<\/p><p>And those phone calls where they&#8217;re calling me or FaceTiming me and wanting me to talk her into staying\u2014which of course I was totally onboard with doing whatever I could to get her to stay\u2014but it was just so traumatic to hear that over and over again, like, those things play over in my mind.<\/p><p>And then saying, you know, that \u201cyou should just kick him out.\u201d We wouldn\u2019t say these things about any other struggle that somebody was going through in life, and I keep making these comparisons lately, because I think it\u2019s really important to help change the conversation, to help change the stigma, to help you see, to set you free from these painful beliefs, and these painful stigmas that we face as a family as well\u2014that if somebody had a heart condition, and they were still eating poorly, we wouldn\u2019t be called an enabler or shamed or called over involved, if we were helping them get medical services that they needed.<\/p><p>If it was a diabetic eating sugar, if it was somebody who had cancer and was given specific things to avoid like\u2014for me, I\u2019m not supposed to drink alcohol, there\u2019s other things I\u2019m supposed to avoid\u2014imagine my family telling me they\u2019re not gonna talk to me anymore and they\u2019re gonna kick me out because I had a drink at Christmas and might get cancer again. I just can\u2019t imagine that.<\/p><p>Or even when I first got breast cancer, my family telling me, \u201cYou did it to yourself, Heather. We\u2019re not sure how or why, it\u2019s probably a combination of your genetics, your lifestyle, and your environment, but we\u2019re blaming you for your breast cancer, and we can\u2019t enable you or be overly involved. So you need to figure this out on your own, because you caused this.\u201d I can\u2019t even imagine. But yet, that is what we are advised to do with our kids, all the time.<\/p><p>And it\u2019s unfair that we\u2019re even put in that position, and that\u2019s why I loved this video so much and why I wanted to share it with you. Because Since Helanna died, I\u2019ve been really just still changing a lot of my beliefs, still seeing a lot of ways that I even struggled with worrying about enabling, a lot of ways that I worried about being over-involved\u2014and not once since she died have I ever wished I was less involved.<\/p><p>There is nothing, no scenario I\u2019ve gone through, there&#8217;s nothing where I\u2019ve thought, I wish I had helped her less. So I can\u2019t even imagine any other case in our lives where this would be acceptable, but for some reason, because of the stigma with mental health and everything else, we\u2019ve accepted this with addiction, and that is where the experts got me and my family for the first at least 6 years of Helanna\u2019s addiction.<\/p><p>Now, I\u2019m not putting down all experts, and I\u2019m not blaming those people. because they were taught that as well. And a lot of those people really want to help, they believe in what they\u2019re doing, they believe that what they\u2019re telling us is helpful to us. And they have the best intentions. And there are many experts and many places out there that I\u2019ve heard of that I wish I\u2019d known about when Helanna was younger, that do help kids, and do help families, and do give good advice, good steps to take.<\/p><p>But that was not my experience. And that, I know, is not everybody\u2019s experience. A lot of people go through what I went through, and it\u2019s really a disservice to us and to our kids. And so I just want you to know that when something doesn\u2019t feel right, maybe you should step back and listen to your instincts\u2014because I believe wholeheartedly that nobody knows your child better than you, and that you are best suited to help your child and support them and stay in it for the long run. So it is so important to educate yourself about addiction, the scientific facts about it, to research it, to listen to people that make sense, and then sometimes even maybe listen to people who don\u2019t make sense at first.<\/p><p>Right? Like, I was listening to this podcast the other day, it had ideas about addiction that I&#8217;d never even heard before, and some of it I completely disagreed with, and some of it did make sense to me, and some of it was a little bit freeing. So I&#8217;m gonna keep listening to it, I&#8217;m gonna take what I like and leave the rest\u2014and that&#8217;s what we need to be in the place to do. We need to be the person we\u2019ve been looking for to help us, and the person that we\u2019ve been looking for to help our child.<\/p><p>I just want to remind you that you are the perfect parent for your child, and you have what it takes to learn everything you need to learn to get through this, and to support yourself and to support your child. And I will just be here believing in you until you\u2019re ready to believe in yourself.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Heather Ross, host of the Living with Addiction podcast, recently shared her thoughts about our new video: One Size Does Not Fit All.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":14949,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[19],"tags":[21],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/cmcffc.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14930"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/cmcffc.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/cmcffc.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cmcffc.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cmcffc.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=14930"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/cmcffc.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14930\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cmcffc.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/14949"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/cmcffc.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=14930"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cmcffc.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=14930"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cmcffc.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=14930"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}